He said, She said
by Fabled-theWolf
Summary: What happens when Russia finds out about his terrifying reputation? Well, he decides to hold a little meeting to find the root of all the rumors about him and his fellow countries. contains both country and human names and references to several pairings


It had taken Ivan months to finally get the courage to ask his refined, sophisticated southern neighbor out. He had tossed and turned at night, thinking of what he could say to his beloved China at the next world meeting. But every time he finally got a chance to speak to the oriental, he froze up and made an excuse to leave. It was safe to say that Yao was pretty flustered when Russia managed to spit out the words to him after a meeting which mostly consisted of America crying over some singer he'd never heard of and England calling him various names.

"Um, China, I know you're really busy and all but I was, erm, wondering if you could, could...perhaps have lunch with me next weekend?" Russia was mentally kicking himself over his bad way with words. It sounded so awkward and weird out loud. As if his embarrassment wasn't enough to effectively ruin his day, Yao's reaction was the final blow. The smaller man choked on his tea and just when he recovered from that he could only stare at Russia incredulously.

"Are you...asking me on a date?" Ivan blushed and chuckled nervously, trying to brace himself for possible rejection, which was slowly becoming certain. China backed away and straightened his uniform.

"Uh, yeah I guess I am." Russia offered the obviously shaken man a small smile.

"I really don't think that would be a good idea." Yao said in a small voice. Ivan's smile instantly faded away. It was then he noticed the Chinese man's eyes almost widen in fear. "But please, don't take offense! I mean it's just, some of the things I have heard about...you and your past affairs, well they aren't that good...Not that I have said anything!" China kept babbling in his shaky, defensive way. Russia was immensely confused.

"Wait- what past affairs?" Now it was Yao's turn to be confused.

"There was that thing with Lithuania and I did hear something about you and Alfred...Don't your remember?" Ivan did a double take. What was going on?

"I don't know what you're talking about- I've never been with anyone. Romantically that is." Ivan offered a weak smile. Yao gave him a doubting look. "No really! I've never even gone out on a date before. Where did you hear all this? Did you hear anything else about me?" China suddenly knew he wasn't lying. Russia could barely even ask him out on a date properly. Also, there was something a little off about his source.

"Russia, you may want to sit down for this but we need to have a talk."

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Nobody really knew what to expect when Russia called a world meeting to order. Russia never even participated very much in the meetings let alone lead them. He preferred to keep to himself. All the world powers filed into the meeting room, unsure of what to expect and a little frightened to say the least. China was sitting next to Russia at the head of the table. Murmurs were going through the other countries. They spoke in hushed voices but it was like a dull roar, the noise it created.

"Why is Russia leading a meeting?"

"Is he planning on taking over?"

"Yeah! He's got nuclear weapons and everything!"

"Did you hear what he did to Lithuania?"

"What? Oh boy, do I feel sorry for the poor guy! At least he didn't get eaten. I heard that Russian monster likes to eat his prisoners..."

"By the way I heard that pipe he carries is for when he hits puppies." Yao quickly tuned to Ivan and began to chatter to him incessantly so he wouldn't overhear what the crowd was saying. Luckily, Ivan was pretty wrapped up in his pretty neighbor so he didn't catch anything. China glanced around and saw that everyone was present and seated.

"Russia, I think now is a good time to call the meeting to order." Ivan shook himself back to reality. He'd been staring and quietly cursed himself for being so careless.

"Ok, this world meeting has come to order. I'm sure all of you are wondering why I called us here. Today, we are going to discuss some very untrue rumors that have been going around about everyone. Now we are going to start off with a little exercise which will make things a little clearer for everyone. I am going to say a series of statements and if you have heard it before, I want you to raise your hand. Don't worry about being honest, I swear this meeting will remain strictly peaceful. Nobody is to move or say anything or they will have me to deal with." Ivan gave all of the world powers a good glare and he saw them visibly sink down in their seats. For once, Russia was glad he was intimidating. "Well, then let us begin." Russia took a big breath and China stood up.

"I am more knowledgeable of the issue so I will be presenting each statement. Okay first, how many of you have heard that me and and Japan have or are having relations? Go ahead- raise your hands if you've heard it. I don't mind." Quite a few world powers raised their hands. Kiku looked around quickly, shocked and caught off guard.

"That's a rumor." China said darkly. "Next, how many of you have heard that Francis is an out of control pervert who sleeps with everyone, including his neighbor, England?" Numerous hands shot up.

"I would never let that bastard put his hands on me!" Arthur cried out, accusingly pointing a finger at France who was next to him, smiling sheepishly.

"Besides we all know he doesn't go after everybody- he's banging what's-his-face over there." Poland jerked his thumb at Canada who looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"W-what are you talking about? I don't sleep with anyone!" The poor little nation looked on the brink of tears. The others immediately lost interest and if they'd really watched they would have seen France wink at the smaller blond or noticed that they grinned and high-fived under the table.

"That isn't all that's been going around. There are worse rumors. For instance have you all ever heard that England is a compulsive drunk who enjoys having angry sex with his own son?" The room fell dead silent but quite a few hands went up. Arthur looked about ready to faint. America almost cracked up at the very thought. "Okay, so how about this particular person who everyone seems to enjoy talking about? I am going to list a series of things about Russia here. If you have heard or know of these things I want you to stand up." Yao stared the whole group down before beginning.

"Russia is criminally insane." Several chairs shuffled.

"Russia has raped several countries from weak defenseless individuals to obvious world powers." Many more countries rose to their feet hesitantly. Yao was getting angrier and his voice rose slightly, much different from his usual soft tone.

"Russia has no compassion and is ruthless in general." Even more people stood up. Almost the whole room was standing now. Each country looked at their feet not daring to make eye contact with Russia or China. Russia leaned over and placed his hand on Yao's arm gently.

"I think that's enough..." He whispered, his violet eyes gazing up at the enraged country's face. But Yao wasn't finished. He kept ranting on even after the whole room was standing in shocked silence. Finally, Russia managed to calm China down and got him to sit as he took back over.

"None of these rumors about me or any of you are remotely true. Well today, we are going to reveal the source of all these heinous lies which plague us." Ivan knelt and pulled out a case from under his chair. he slowly unzipped it and pulled out a laptop, setting it on the table for everyone to see. He opened it up to reveal...the Internet.

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"So, umm...China, do you want to go to lunch with me?" Russia shyly pulled out a sunflower and offered it to the smaller man. China smiled and gently took the flower.

"Yes Ivan, I would love too." He lent forward on his toes and kissed Ivan on the cheek. Still leaned in, he whispered, "Call me Yao."

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A.N. Ok, so that was my weak attempt at humor. Where this quick little story came from was my realization that it is hard to find a fic about Russia in which he is not a rapist or the bad guy in general. I find this hilarious because my grandparents are Russian and imagining them like "bad-guy" Russia is pretty funny. and I honestly don't think of Russia as a rapist or sadist in my mind. I'm not insulting anybodies work that falls into one of the above mentioned scenarios in the story- I actually really like EnglandXAmerica and get a kick out of FranceXEverybody. But this was simply a parody of some stereotypical things in Hetalia fics and a break from my multi-chap fic, Axis Academy.


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